INDIAN ENGLISH

“You people are good for nothing, your parents are spending so much money on you people in a reputed English medium school of Kolkata, i.e. Julien Day School, but still you people have failed in English Grammar. Chee chee cheee… at class VI, you don’t know the difference between active and passive sentence... Shame on you people. How many times, I have to tell you people to learn Wren & Martin.” shouted “Mrs. Bhowmick”, the best English teacher of the school, to us, as we have failed in English Grammar at the Half Yearly Exam.

“Atreyee” got only 26 out of 100 in English Grammar Examination. She was so bombarded by her English teacher and parents that, she got frustrated. “Arindam” understood everything and told her, “Don’t worry, at least you know better English than our PT teacher “Parimal”.”

One day, “Parimal” came with a packet of sweets, and went straight into the Principal’s house and told her, “Madam, today is the happiest day of my life. In the 2nd attempt, my one and only daughter have passed away. So, for this happy moment, take this sweet”. The principal “Mrs. Broughton” was just stunned to hear this and came out of the room and told the Bengali teacher “Mr. Naskar”, that “Parimal” has gone mad. The PT teacher is celebrating the death of his daughter. “Naskar” asked “Parimal” in Bengali and got the answer and confirmed the Principal that “Parimal’s” daughter has passed the “Madhyamik Secondary Exam” in her 2nd attempt.

In another instant, oh my god, one day our Geography teacher “Mr. Elizabeth Chackoo” was absent. So, in her absence, “Parimal” came to take the class, so that we don’t shout like hooligans. As it was a hot season of Kolkata, so we were feeling very hot. Seeing the situation, “Parimal” ordered us, “Please open the window panes, and let the atmosphere come in”. Someone asked, “Which layer of atmosphere will come in, Sir?”

But, we will never forget the “Inter-Branch Football” scam in our Kolkata branch. Actually, in our “Juilen Day School”, there were three branches: - Kalyani, Ganganagar and Kolkata. Out of these three, Ganganagar boys were the best in football. We entered into the final, and went to play in Ganganagar by bus. But, our school was like a college full of hooligans, including me. But, I was not fond of all those Ghutkas or “Gopal” zardas.The bus was going towards “Ganganagar” and some of our football players spitted on a local cyclist, going through that road. Then, the local people stopped the bus, and the football match was cancelled, as we were not allowed to enter the field, by the local people of Ganganagar. “Ganganagar” won the football final match, without even touching the football. What a shame it was for us.

All the students who were in the “Kolkata” football team were suspended for 1 week. But, “Mrs. Broughton” wanted to know in details what actually happened there in Ganganagar. She requested “Parimal” to come on the stage and explain it. “Parimal” started explaining the entire scenario.

Parimal: - Actually, the problem is, the cycle going, the bus going, the bus going, the cycle going, in parallel mode on the road. The school boys spit, the cyclist got red color on the shirt. The man got angry and stopped the bus and came and beat the boys. They boys also revenged, pounced on man. The locals angry, cancelled the match. This is the whole story.

The Principal started laughing and told all of them to go to hell with their bloody English.Mrs. Bhowmick was standing there at the auditorium watching our “tamasha”. I told her, “Madam, this is known as “Indian English”, he he he, if “Parimal” would have been our English teacher, then we have all got at least 90 out of 100.The madam laughed heartily and told, “Really, after hearing this “Indian English”,I am tending to forget the rules of Wren & Martin”.