FUNNY BLOGS OF ARINDAM SAIN: November 2009

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

PILES AND CONSTIPATION

Kamal: - I am in big trouble nowadays. I am really very sorry for coming late in this business meeting.

Arindam: - Yeah, that we can make out. Since morning, you went to the latrine for three times, and took a very long time. I think that you are yet to become successful in letting out those shit from your large intestine.

Kamal: - Hmm…it is real problem for me. Even, ‘Kabz-Har’ bhi haar maan gaya hai. This constipation is ruining my life, yaar.

Indrajit: - Oho, you are always eager to go to that latrine and my case is just opposite. I am always scared of entering the latrine. Recently, I had a serious piles operation.

Tyasa: - Piles means that blood comes out of the rectum, right?

Indrajit: - Yes, it comes out from there only. Not only have that, sometimes, it does not stop overflowing and that creates the real tension.

Kamal: - But, at least, you don’t feel the problem like me. The whole day goes wasted for me, as I have to bear the gas. The shit does not come out at all, and you can feel, what a bad situation it is?

Arindam: - It is a very bad situation. Have you people ever heard the story of Gopal Bhanrh. He was in the ministry of Raja Krishna Chandra. One day, the wife of Raja Krishna Chandra gave birth to a baby boy and he was so overjoyed that he invited all his ministers for a small party. Gopal Bhanrh was on his way to the party. However, suddenly, he felt the pressure in his large intestine. However, he was not finding any proper place to perform that thing, as he already boarded a boat to cross the river.

Tyasa: - Was Gopal Bhanrh suffering from piles or constipation?

Arindam: - No, no, his rectum was a super performer. He just got a place to let his shit out and after that, he felt a real satisfaction. When Raja Krishna Chandra asked Gopal, how happy he is feeling after hearing that the wife of Raja Krishna Chandra has given birth to a baby. Gopal Bhanrh said that after feeling a pressure in your large intestine, when you release it, you feel very happy about that. He is feeling happy like that only after hearing that the King has become a father. After hearing this type of comment, Gopal was expelled from the ministry. Later on, Raja Krishna Chandra also had a similar kind of experience. After releasing the pressure, he felt very happy and understood that Gopal Bhanrh was right. Later, Gopal was called back to the ministry again.

Indrajit: - Yeah, it is true. After releasing the shit, you really feel cool, but this piles problem just sucks.

Kamal: - Why do you always eat those spicy Andhra Meals? And if you even eat it also, why you don’t eat that curd or drink any lassi or fruit juice? Do you think that these South Indian people are fools to eat curds after their spicy meals? The curd directly negates the spicy effect of foods on your stomach. Always remember that spicy foods after being digested also, the chilly factor never dies out. It ultimately creates trouble for your rectum only. In earlier days, people used to have piles because in villages, there were no proper hygienic latrines. They used to do their potty in jungles or behind the bushes. Ultimately, it used to infect their rectum only. They were unaware about the soaps. After doing potty, they used to wash their hands with ashes or muds. But, nowadays, piles only happens due to the consumption of spicy foods. But, I really don’t know, why, I am having constipation?

Arindam: - Maybe, you consume less water than it is required for your body. You also don’t drink alcohol. See, on every Saturday night, I drink alcohols and that is why; on Sunday morning, I only take 5 minutes to clear out my large intestine. Sometimes, the iron content in the water or the foods can create constipation. For example, if you eat too much meat, then as it contains more iron, the very next day, you are a victim of constipation. In our college times, we went to Simultala; there the tube-well water contains too much iron. The drinking water was reddish in color. Believe me, for 2 days, I was suffering from constipation.

Tyasa: - Ok, guys, can we start our business meeting now. After hearing your discussion, I have understood that avoiding spicy foods and drinking lots of water will keep you safe from “PILES AND CONSTIPATION.”

MUSIC HAS NO BARRIERS

Suraj: - O Sayionee, chain ek pal nahi.

Pinaki: - Dhaath, being an Indian, you are singing a song of a Pakistani band. You should be ashamed of that. Sing this song…Teri yaad...jab sataye mujhko…main laut aaoonga.

Arindam: - Arrey, yeh bhi toh Pakistani band ka gaana hai…Let me sing this song, Kabhi toh nazar milao…kabhi toh kareeb aayo.

Mainak: - This is also a song sung by a Pakistani singer. I don’t understand that why Indian government gives the permit to these Pakistani singers to come and sing in our Bollywood films. Pakistan is our arch-rivals; we cannot allow their singers to sing in our Hindi films.

Tuhina: - Now, don’t confuse music with politics. Music is music. It hardly matters, whether a man is an Indian, Pakistani or Japanese, the fact is that he is an artist first and all appreciate his work of art. Do you want to say that Nusrat Fateh Ali was a bad singer? Atif Aslam is also not so bad. You people give slangs to Bush, Clinton and Obama, but you respect Michael Jackson, why? Michael Jackson is an American, so as an Indian, why do you listen to that artist’s song?

Arindam: - Hey, I understand, what you are trying to say, but, I don’t agree to you that Pakistani singers are better than our Indian singers. See, culture wise, India is a land, which has produced the mother of all music, and that is the classical music. The Carnatic and Tamil clay pots will produce such a music, that you can hardly imagine of. Even the bowl made of limestone of North-Western India is used to produce fabulous music.

Suraj: - No, no, you are taking it otherwise, Arindam. Tuhina is not trying to compare Indian songs with Arabic songs. She just wanted to say that no matter, what is the nationality of an artist; we respect that artist for his or her great artistic quality.

Pinaki: - Now, don’t underestimate the Arabic songs also. See, the best thing about these Pakistani bands is that they have not tried to copy the western rock bands, rather they infused the Sufi type or Arabic tunes in their song to make it their own Pakistani desi songs. Even, the bands of West Bengal and Bangladesh always come out with their innovative local tunes. Bands like Bhoomi of West Bengal and Miles of Bangladesh always rocks. It is good that, now MTV is going to form a totally desi rock band, where you will find the music of flutes, dholak and table also? Arrey, haan, how can you ignore the music of tabla? Arrey, hujur, baah tabla boliye…he he he…Also, I like the music played by Ravi Shankar too.

Mainak: - Dhaath…I don’t like this boring classical music or that Sufi or Arabic style. I always love Dhinzaagh style songs…like the rap songs of Apache Indians. Just listen to their rap songs. It just rocks our body.

Arindam: - Abbey, ghochu kumar, have you ever heard any tribal songs full of drumbeats and sound of trumpets? You will just start dancing automatically. Even, still today, there are some music used in Tollywood films of South India, where the actors have to dance with full energy. These music are like that only; it will make you dance. But, the point is that nowadays, our Bollywood industry is giving too many opportunities to Pakistani or Arabic singers, but do the Muslim countries really respect our music artists? I don’t think so.

Tuhina: - Not all Pakistanis are terrorists. There are some khandaani or rewaaji Muslims, who have music in their blood. They just love music; no matter, you are Hindu or Muslim. Cinema halls of Pakistan earn around 61% of revenue due to Bollywood films only. But, the irony is that their ‘Sadaf’ company always comes out pirated VCDs and MP3 CDs to create problems for Indian market. Nowadays, you don’t need to buy any original Music CDs from Music World or Planet M, because Pakistani people have already created the pirated MP3 versions of it. Therefore, it indirectly proves that in their country also, people like to hear the Bollywood music. When A.R.Rahman got the Oscar award, even Pakistanis were overjoyed, because they are fans of his music.

Arindam: - Babah, after hearing your lectures, one song is coming into my mind. The song was of the film ‘Earth 1947’. The song is like, ‘Iswar allah, tere jahan mein nafrat kyon hai, jung hai kyon’.

Mainak: - Really, every artist should sing the song, ‘Geet gaata hoon main, goongoonata hoon main…isliye abhi sadaa muskuraata hoon main’, because “MUSIC HAS NO BARRIERS.”

Friday, November 13, 2009

HAPPY CHILDREN'S DAY

Rupali: - Tomorrow, you are going for a picnic with your students, right? You are going to that Roychowk Baganbari. Listen to me; I will also go there, with my orphan and handicapped students.

Arindam: - Arrey, who told you that I have planned for a picnic for my school students.

Rupali: - Look my sweetheart, I am your wife. My network always follows your network. Now, it is final, my students are also going to the picnic tomorrow.

Arindam: - Ok, I have no problem in that. But, remember one thing that my students are all from rich families and they are all naughty. Don’t underestimate them, as they are the students of Class IV, Section A. If they start mentally abusing your handicapped and orphan students, then I cannot do anything about that.

Rupali: - Ok, that I will handle, you don’t need to worry about it. Therefore, you have 25 students from your Section A of class IV and I have only 16 students. So, in total, it is around 41 students. A school bus will be sufficient. All your 25 students have given 100 bucks each for the picnic and the rest expenses will be taken care by you. For my students, I will bear the entire expense.

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Paresh: - Sir, your wife is also a school teacher.

Arindam: - Yes, she is a teacher in a Government school for orphan and handicapped students.

Meenu: - Hey, look, we have reached the destination. It is the Roychowk Baganbari.

Rupali: - Come on children; now it is time to get down from the bus. Don’t be in a hurry.

Sujon: - Can anyone help me out? I cannot see the footboard.

Kamalika: - Don’t worry, I will help you out to get down from this bus. Are you blind by birth?

Sujon: - Yes, you are right. You name is Kamalika, naah…really; you have a very sweet voice. I was listening to your voice, when you were singing some beautiful romantic songs, while playing Antakshari game inside the bus. Hey, Kamalika, have you seen the picture of Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru? I have never seen his picture. I have heard that he used to love children so much that 14th November is celebrated as the Children’s Day.

Ritesh: - Yes, you are right. This blind boy has good knowledge. Hi, I am Ritesh; nice to meet you.

Meenu: - Chee chee, Ritesh, you don’t have any manners at all. You should not abuse any handicapped person. It is a crime. Arrey, look there, that guy has fallen from his chair. Let me help him out.

Chirag: - Thanks a lot, Meenu. I am a lame boy. I have to rely on my wheel chair only. I want to go near that pond. Ramu Kaka is fishing there. Whatever fish he will catch, will become the menu of our lunch at this picnic.

Rupali:- Arrey, Ramu Kaka, we already have chicken in our menu.

Ramu Kaka: - All these little children requested me to catch fish from this pond. How can I reject their request? After all, I also love children. I have lost both my children. I gifted my daughter a scooty on her 18th birthday. She was thrashed by a SBSTC bus at Diamond Harbour Road and was spot dead there only. The CPI (M) goons killed my son of 26 years, as he was an active member of SUCI party at Kulpi area. My wife has become an emotional psycho patient after that. When I go back home, I can feel her pain, that is why, I have adopted an orphan girl. At least, my wife is very happy to look after her. Today, when I saw these little children, running after me and calling me Ramu Kaka, I cannot control my emotions. Someone rightly said that Children are like Gods only.

Arindam: - Really, I am impressed with your students, Rupali. They are so down-to-earth and at this age only, they have understood the basic things of life.

Rupali: - Your students are not bad also. They may belong to rich families, but their mind is so innocent and sweet that they are helping all my students at every point of time.

Meenu: - Sir, we are grateful to you. I will not forget this day. Look here, Chirag is a very good painter. He has drawn my picture in this paper. This is one of the fabulous gifts that I have ever received.

Ramu Kaka: - Every year, you people should come here to celebrate a very “HAPPY CHILDREN’S DAY.”

Thursday, November 12, 2009

COMMITTING SUICIDE IS A SIN

Yamraaj: - Why have you committed suicide? What compelled you to do that? You ate a rat poison to kill yourself. Do you think that it was the easiest way to die?

Savita: - No, it was not easy at all. It is very difficult to kill yourself. After eating that rat poison, when I was feeling that I am going to die, I was shouting for help, but it was too late for me.

Yamraaj: - Yes, of course, it is very difficult to kill yourself. However, boss, it is a sin to commit suicide. You will get a severe punishment for that in this hell only. You were a widow. Do you have any kids?

Savita: - My husband’s name was Arindam. Before marriage, the blood test report was ok. When I gave birth to our little girl Nisha, we found that Nisha is a HIV positive patient. The doctor confirmed that Arindam has AIDS and I am the victim of that disease also.

Yamraaj: - Hmm, that’s a real problem. Your hubby may have visited some restricted areas. He forgot to use proper protections at those times. Was he not satisfied with you? Men will be always Men, can’t help it, he he he. Anyway, where have you kept your Nisha?

Savita: - Well, she is studying in a Rehabilitation center, where all the orphans, children of sex workers and AIDS affected children lives.

Yamraaj: - NGO people are very supportive in these cases. Have they not helped you?

Savita: - Not all NGO workers are good. There also; politics play the major role. If you are a supporter of a political party, which is not in power in that State, then you will hardly get any support from them. I was working as a sweeper for the Municipal Corporation. My duty was in the morning hours from 5.30 AM to 6.30 AM. I also used to do some tailoring works in our locality. One day, the people of my locality came to know that I have AIDS. The dilemma started from there only. They started abusing me by stating bad words to me. Even, they told me to leave that colony immediately. Everyone started hating me. But, what is my fault? I am not a sex worker, but still people mentally abused me. The Indian Government has not taken any initiative to preach the simple thing that AIDS is not a contaminated disease. The slum dwellers and the people living in the colonies of this city believe that AIDS disease can spread due to contamination. As a girl of a good family, I never dreamt of living a life like an animal. All these humiliations compelled me to commit suicide.

Yamraaj: - Hmm, it was a real problem for you, but instead of fighting against them, you killed yourself like a coward. Anyway, you will be shifted to our special cell, where your soul will undergo a good and healthy training, so that in your next birth, you will not commit suicide anymore.

Savita: - Rebirth? Wow, that’s great. That means, my hubby Arindam has also taken a re-birth. Please Yamraaj ji; give me the re-birth. I want to become the wife of Arindam again in this birth. Where is my Arindam?

Yamraaj: - Oh! You loved your hubby so blindly. You are such a foolish woman. Anyway, 3 months ago, your Arindam has been given the re-birth. Look at this terminal screen, your Arindam has taken re-birth as a Royal Bengal Tiger in Sundarban Jungle. Her mother’s name is Mohini, the dangerous tigress. Can you see your Arindam now? He is just a 3 months old baby tiger, playing with his siblings. In this birth, the forest officials have given his name as Maharaj. But, I am sorry, Savita. As you have committed suicide, so, as per our law, you will be given the re-birth as a human being and that too as a woman, because, your soul committed a sin. Don’t you understand, how much painful it is for us, to create a figure of a woman. It needs lot of research with proper calculations to create a beautiful body of a woman and you are just killing it. Anyway, meet this male soul. His name is Mahesh. He committed suicide yesterday, as his beloved woman got married to her office boss. Mahesh will also take re-birth as a man. In this birth, he may become your husband, but not your’s Arindam of previous birth.

Mahesh: - Hello Savita, I am Mahesh. Our soul will undergo this training together, after all; “COMMITTING SUICIDE IS A SIN.”